1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job is interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Your career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. You sincerely believe that alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth- now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
11. You can focus better with one eye closed.
12. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
13. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14. You wake up to see Windows 95 installed on your machine. It's
enough to drive you to drink.
15. You keep asking your wife "Where are the kids?", but you don't really
have a wife and you're talking to the refrigerator.
16. You fall off the floor.
17. You discover in the morning that your liquid cleaning supplies have
mysteriously disappeared.
18. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19. You had your "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, and replaced it with a
"Red Dog" one.
20. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger...screw dinner!
21. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
22. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24. When you go to donate blood they ask what proof.
25. Vampires get woozy after biting you.
26. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
27. At the AA meeting you begin with "Hi, my name is...uh..."
28. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
29. Vomiting becomes a relief.
30. You're having a hard time staying on the walk: left, right, stumble,
fall.
31. You wake up in the bedroom. Your underwear is in the bathroom. You
fell asleep clothed.
32. Barney the Dinosaur is damned funny!
33. You think the 4 Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,
and Women.
34. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and
more attractive.
35. "Hi ocifer. No, I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
36. You wake up with a traffic cone between your legs.
37. "No, ocifer. I'm not drunk...you're just sober."
38. Problem? I drink, I get drunk, I fall down...No problem.
39. You're on a diet, so you cut back on food calories to allow for more
alcohol calories.
40. "Take me drunk, I'm home!"
41. The bottle's empty...now that's a problem!
42. You find yourself captain for the Exxon Valdez.
43. You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
44. Roseanne looks good.
45. You don't recognize your wife unless you see her through the bottom
of a bottle.
46. You drink to get over a hangover.
47. That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
48. You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's license.
49. The Whiskey Ain't Working Anymore.
50. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk
past you.
51. You have a reserved parking place at the A&P.
52. "I'm jober as a sudge!"
53. You consider yourself a workaholic because every time you go to
work, you want to have a beer.
54. "I slept with that damned pink elephant again."
55. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground after biting you.
56. Newt Gingrich...he's SO sexy.
57. You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the last
thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC.
58. Your name is Ted Kennedy.
59. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the
4th of July party in Waikiki.
60. Red Dog upside down looks like Batman eating a Catwoman.
61. You've fallen and you can't get up.
62. You don't drink.
63. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
64. "Beertender! Get me another bar!"
65. Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
66. The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
67. "Do you take this woman..."
68. You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn
list.
69. You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail on the
top and you're pestering people to buy incense and crap.
70. Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
71. Double vision is so much the norm, you can't function without it.
72. You're listening to the radio and you start dancing to Hootie and the
Blowfish.
73. "Because you're not as think as you drunk I am..."
74. Salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates...and yes, alcohol is the 5th Food
Group.
75. Your favorite drink is ethanol.
76. Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?!? I don't have a
prinking droblem!
77. You can't remember what your family looks like...or if you have a
family.
78. You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM.
79. You like SPAM.
80. You get defensive when someone asks if you have a drinking problem.
81. You haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
82. "I don't have a drinking prob, pleb, plub...pash me another,
tarbender."
83. You spend the whole night holding up walls to prevent their collapse.